you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
