somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
