I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
