I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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