I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
