My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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