his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
