She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
