yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
