The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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