i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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