so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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