i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
