i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
