I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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