dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I need a beard to bite.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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