i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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