nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
