For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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