i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
