He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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