I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
