Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
