I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
