I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
