Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
