My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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