ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
pop tarts are not kleenex
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
