My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You took a bar mat shot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
