Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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