Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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