Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
