Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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