My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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