i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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