Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
