Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
