Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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