I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
