My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
