The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We just shotgunned beers for America
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
