Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
