I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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