just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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