cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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