Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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