Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
