woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
