Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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