He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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