so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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