kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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